Prenup photoshoots have ballooned in my generation of millennials. When I scroll down on my Facebook newsfeed, Bobby and Sam have a beach-themed prenup shoot. Bobby’s arms locking around Sam’s, their eyes sparkling and wide-eyed like the wide eye face masks on Messenger.
The power of love: it turns you to Anime characters.
But prenup shoots are still odd when I roll it out from my tongue. It used to be an uncomfortable word to open up between couples. Prenups used to mean a legal document in the likely event you and your other half have a falling out.
Now, couples in our millennial generation think prenups are a rite of passage before the wedding. For us born watching ANTM, prenups are an opportunity for us to fulfill our pent-up dreams of smizing before the camera.
Ooh, aah. I’m ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille. Smize!
What’s adorably funny with these prenup shoots is how couples smile. You can tell by the slight quiver on their lips that these couples just want to get it over with.
There’s the 45-degree angle smile, probably as a result of sticking to the same pose for over an hour already. Then there’s the wave smile where the lips have this ripple-looking curve and the muscles are already about to give up.
Then there are some couples who just don’t give a shit, and do their awkward graduation smile. With and without braces.
That’s why people, you have to smize! Smile with your eyes, smize!
Prenups today are a production. Couples go to exotic locations or to famous cities for their shoots. They hold their hands. They kiss, and kiss some more. And more.
They wear designer labels like Spring and Winter Fashion week was rolled into one. Quite literally. I remember one photoshoot of a couple. The bride-to-be was wearing Spanish flowery summer wear while donning a winter faux fur coat.
Literally, Spring and Winter Fashion week rolled into one.
Some couples like to keep things “simple.” And by simple, I’m putting huge quotation marks as a disclaimer.
When I was visiting Paris a few summers ago, I saw a couple doing their prenup near the Notre Dame cathedral. The groom was wearing his sleek shiny blue suit, while the bride was wearing her wedding gown the size of an igloo. It was puffy and huge.
They were taking their photos near the river Seine. The photographer was snapping his shots while the rest of the crew were bringing a lot of stuff. One crew member was holding the lights, another one was bringing the makeup kit, and another was bring a set of clothes for the couple.
From a distance, I felt I was in a movie set. Except that, they weren’t celebrities, and the makeup was a bit too much. Believe me, I couldn’t tell whether the couple was doing a photoshoot for their wedding or for a promo shoot for a drag tour.
Well, RuPaul did say, “we are all born naked, and the rest is drag.” So who am I to judge?
Shantay you stay, honey. Shantay, you stay.
I guess you need to drag it up with the makeup for the photo shoot so that it’s easier to edit it at post-production.
But some edits after Photoshop can go horribly wrong. While I was scrolling down on my Facebook newsfeed—being the millennial that I am—I chanced upon a friend’s prenup shoot.
For many people in the Philippines were the sun is always up from seven to five, the go-to theme is a beach prenup shoot. The usual template involves couples wearing loose white clothes. They run on the sandy shores like it was a scene from Baywatch.
BAYWATCH THEME SONG
“Some people stand in the darkness,
Afraid to step into the light…
“I’ll be ready,
Never you fear…”
And you know something that was also white? Their faces. They’re a lovely couple. I’d like to think they’re like affogato: a nice blend of chunky caramel and milky white.
But with that shoot—I don’t know if it was the sun or the makeup or whatever—they were blindingly white. They could give Edward and Bella from Twilight a run for their money.
The Twilight reboot, The Beach edition, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Julia Louis Dreyfus.
Celebrities these days often take the lead with these big-production larger-than-life prenup photoshoots. Their IG likes are in the hundreds and thousands, if not millions.
One like, one dollar. We need to recover our ROIs.
Quite recently, two Filipino celebrities lit the Internet’s ass when they published their prenup photos shot in Ethiopia.
Billy, the groom-to-be, was wearing this flower-printed suit while Coleen, the bride-to-be, looked like an Arabian princess. The photos were actually beautiful. There was one photo where they held their hands while the sun was setting.
My first reaction was: “Wakanda forever, bitches!”
I just watched Blank Panther recently, and the shoot reminded me of a scene in the movie where T’Challa and Nakia were rekindling their love, googly eye and all, while little did they know that Wakanda was already infiltrated by Killmonger.
But going back, I came to the part that shookt a lot of people on the Internet. Billy and Coleen were on the foreground, and the background were the Ethiopians: mothers carrying their children, and children staring blankly at the margins.
My second reaction was: “Wakanda forever!”
No, seriously. I get why people found it distasteful. Here you have two celebrities wearing designer labels amidst a sea of people who looked like they were barely earning a dollar per day.
I thought to myself, “Production should have at least given the locals designer labels to wear for the shoot.”
Because, that way, I thought, even if you put them on the far end of the photo, people will instantly notice that Chanel bag on the corner or that Jimmy Choo pumps on the other.
But, probably, that wouldn’t anymore be a prenup shoot, but a spread in a Vogue magazine.
To be fair, Billy and Coleen did address the raging public. They said Ethiopian Airlines invited them to shoot their prenup as part of their tourism campaign. I found their creative decision, ‘interesting’, to say the least.
Because, seriously, what are they trying to promote?
“Come to Ethiopia, where the people are warm and friendly, the same way they were warm and friendly when the colonizers came to exploit them.”
Or,
“Visit Ethiopia, where for two dollars from your kind charitable donations, you can have one human as a prop for your prenup. Five dollars if you hire minors. Ten for babies and toddlers.”
Or,
“Ethiopian Airlines will fly you to the fictional country of Wakanda. The people here pretend to be living under poverty, much in the same way that your friends pretend to care about your prenup photos.”
One like, one dollar.
As if a like will make any difference for these people. I can’t speak in behalf of the locals there, but they’re probably just warm and friendly to you, Billy and Coleen, because frankly, they don’t give a shit.
“Oh, foreigners with designer labels. Their clothes are so twenty-first century. My ragged clothes are stoned with Vibranium.”
And I guess, for a lot of us on the Internet, it might probably be a good idea if we also don’t give a shit. The locals on the photo didn’t seem to care, so why should we? Doesn’t it sound a bit racist if we feel what we feel they feel?
If I were one of the locals truly outraged about the shoot, I would’ve spooked them out from the village with my spear or gun. The prenup might probably be more like something that came out from the Blair Witch Project, where no one ever lived to tell the tale.
No, I’m not saying the locals there are savages. I don’t expect them to log in to their Facebook accounts and react with an Angry Face emoji.
“I feel exploited. Angry Face emoji.”
“My people have been culturally appropriated. [Writes a long Facebook thesis commenting about modern-day colonialism and cultural appropriation].”
The funny part is that the Ethiopians probably will never read any of our posts. And if they did, probably they might not care.
You know what will grab their attention?
One angry face emoji, one dollar.
One long Facebook post, five dollars.
Otherwise, meh. If they don’t give a shit, so should we.
My girlfriend and I are engaged, and we didn’t opt for prenup photos. For one, we’ve already have way too many photos from our trips abroad. Any more photos of the two of us would be a bit extra.
And scary.
If I smile too long for the camera, the muscles on my mouth would go stiff. I certainly don’t want looking at myself like the Joker or Jack from the Shining.
“Here’s Johnny!”
Two, we’re very self-critical. I could already imagine when the projector starts beaming our prenup photos, we would probably cringe the entire time!
“Oh god, my head is in a weird angle!” I would retort. “My arms are too big!” she would join in.
That’s not a feeling that we want on our wedding day. We want to feel good about ourselves for that day, especially that we’re signing up to perpetually bind ourselves with those tiny little handcuffs called wedding rings.
Of course, I love my girlfriend and there’s no other person that I would like to be joined to the hip but her.
So lock me up, put me in the hoosegow!
Standup Notes 